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For Men Only

An article concerning the difficulties men have after reaching a certain age.

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This article will be of no interest to women and children so they needn't read any further. This is a masculine issue that we do not usually wish to discuss openly. It is an awkward matter and appears unavoidable once we reach a certain age. While we can pretend it is of no importance or even disguise the effects, we should be honest with ourselves, our loved ones and have the courage to be forthright in our integrity. This is why I wrote this article, so that all the males here who have been so afflicted can be supported by others, and, without embarrassment, can this part of their lives, face.

It is a problem indeed, this thing called facial hair. Some would even say that it is the mane of our existence. What to do though?

Well, some resort to a form of violence, shaving it off with ever increasing sophistication of weaponry. Gone are the days of the single blade! Now the arsenal isn't effective unless there are at least 3 blades as well as a chemical strip to assist the metal swath out its path of destruction. Technology goes even further with power-assisted devastation in the form of cutters that are rotary, non-rotary, screened and who knows what else! Yes, I realize these are frightening things to think of and one can easily understand now whence came the aptly descriptive colloquism 'hair razing'. None of this does any good though. It grows back!

So some have submitted to the inevitable. This is by no means an act of cowardice! It is merely a recognition of the grow of the universe. Go with the grow! they would tell us. As admirable as is this philosophical approach, it is not without its drawbacks or its strengths! So let us examine these in turn.

Some feel they have to work in the garden and manicure in it various designs from flamboyant flairsome mustaches to discrete goatees to simple beards with extensive sideburns. It is a creative pursuit admittedly keeping one busy, for idle hands make mischief!

Then there are others that let it all grow wild! There is a wonderful convenience to this lifestyle! One merely permits nature's creativity without intervention - no additives are required! These individuals can be seen for a certain period of time anyway, immersed in the observation of the activity until they literally become immersed by it. The medium provides many advantages such as insulation, camouflage, and under the right conditions it can even result in a more or less complete ecosystem!

As idyllic as these paradises seem, there are problems.

First, regardless of the geometry, there is always the difficulty of eating. Those not endowed with the affliction know not the care that must be taken to insert a morsel of food past the fibrous guardians of the lips which can provide some difficulty in being found. If one misses, one is reduced to the travail of having to remove the remnants of what could have been eaten from that which has usurped them - never to be recovered!

Second, there is the undeniable itchiness. Hair just doesn't grow straight! It curls this way and that, tauntingly finding its way back to the original bed from where it arose. There it pokes at the skin as if mockingly reminding one of its perpetual presence. It is possible, mind you, to sometimes make the most of this situation too. Facial hair has over centuries proven to be an excellent scratching device. Unfortunately, one is limited in the extent to where one can take it. Additionally, individuals other than the owner sometimes try to use it to their own advantage, finding their own relief often without asking the owner's consent!

Third, it is dubious whether facial hair has any educational or scientific value. Certainly, mathematicians might claim that counting all the hairs may somehow contribute to number theory, but what they fail to realize is that their hard efforts would invariably be usurped by the hovering biologists who would swoop in claiming that there are cells involved and so this is exclusively their private domain! Conflicts of this nature are such follicle!

Physicists, fortunately, are beyond such petty strife. In fact, it is they who have tried to make meaningful contributions in a variety of areas that are relevant here. For instance, they were the ones who discovered that facial hair can be of immense value in emergencies when one needs to start a fire, due to its excellent combustive property. Also, they have proposed that facial hair possesses a certain tensile strength that can find application whenever those applications arise.

However, the most remarkable contribution physicists have made is in the theory of scalp hair loss that some men feel is as much of a curse as the growth of facial hair. For years, the medical profession (heavily funded by unscrupulous elements from various political interest groups) have tried to convince everyone that scalp hair loss is a result of the reasons they give and have provided numerous 'solutions' that are of great monetary benefit to themselves. Their conspiracy was exposed when physicists applied the simple law of conservation to conclusively demonstrate that the real source of the problem is facial hair! The given quantity of hair in a universal sense must remain constant. Therefore, what you gain on the bottom causes you to lose on the top!

Unfortunately, due to the stranglehold economics have on our lifestyles, it is unlikely this expose will gain the credibility it deserves and men will continue to lose and gain hair where they feel they would rather not. Some things in life just have to be accepted, I suppose.

However, we can talk about the problem and thereby afford ourselves some solace. Therefore, please use this opportunity to voice your concerns, tell us of your experiences, relate to others, confess that which you hadn't dared to in the past. Let us provide comfort to one another!